Updated: March 12/2010







Laughter is the jam on the toast of life; it adds flavor, keeps it from becoming too dry, and makes it easier to swallow.
Page of links to funny videos, sites etc
More humour: http://www.amusingfacts.com/humor
dumb people stories at: http://www.amusingfacts.com/dumbest
Some of these are pretty funny! http://www.oldjewstellingjokes.com/2009/03/larry-donsky-baby.html
http://www.squiglysplayhouse.com/JokesAndRiddles/index.html
The local motor vehicle licensing office was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until one man finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.
The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
Just a
Dime
As a kid I used to
have a lemonade stand. The sign said, "All you can drink for a dime." So some
kid would come up, plunk down his dime, drink a glass, and say, "Refill it."
I'd say, "That'll be another dime."
"How come? Your sign says -- All you can drink for a dime!"
"Well, you had a glass didn't you?"
"Yeah."
"That's all you can drink for a dime."
A
Viable Solution
My son is a "high-energy" kid who never sits still and is always on the move.
I was surprised when my wife suggested that we buy him a bike for his birthday.
"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" I asked.
"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."
A Day
at the Zoo...
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money
as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a
zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to
the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and
the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a
job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored from just swinging around. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Masonry or Matrimony?
A thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a
beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have
that!" she said.
"No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window.
"What I'd give to own that!" she said.
"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.
Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership.
"Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.
"Forget that!" the guy moans, "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something!?"
A good
deal
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," he said, "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law,"Well then, you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law, "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law., "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man, "Buy me out."
Good
idea!
Joan had a system for labeling leftover meals in the freezer . She would
carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and
Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
So now you'll see a whole new set of labels: "Whatever", "Anything", "I Don't Know", "I Don't Care", "Something Good", or "Food" .
No more frustration for Joan because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
Want
to buy a toothbrush?
The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed
to sell so many brushes.
He replied, "It's easy!" and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top.
He told his boss, "I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers." He laid out his chips and dip.
"That's a very innovative approach," his boss said, as he took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Yuck, this tastes terrible!"
The salesman replied "IT IS? Want to buy a toothbrush?"
Watch
where you're looking!
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt,
but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing
that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he
looked at his watch.
"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.
A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House.
A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in
his field. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to
the next town?"
The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again.
After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out, "About 20
minutes."
"Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
"Didn't know how fast you could walk."
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money.
He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just
about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when
I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I
wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she
would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting
there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just
before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a
minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it
in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said,
"I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him
that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and
I wrote him a check."
A college freshman called up his mother and asked her for some money, because he was broke. His mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the student.
So his mom wrapped up the book and mailed it. Dad asked, "Well how much did you give him?"
"Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $500."
"That's $520!" said dad, "Are you crazy?"
"Don't worry honey," mom said. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $500 one somewhere in chapter 19!"
But I
Wear a Fifteen!
John went to the doctor because he had bulging eyes and a persistent ringing in
his ears.
The doctor looked him over and suggested removing his tonsils.
The tonsillectomy resulted in no improvement, so John consulted a dentist who suggested that removing his teeth might eliminate the problem.
All of John's teeth were extracted but still his eyes bulged out and the annoying ringing in his ears continued.
A third doctor told him bluntly, "You have six months to live."
Feeling doomed and gloomy, John decided to treat himself right while he still had time, so he bought a flashy car, hired a chauffeur and a gardener, and got himself measured by a tailor for some new suits. To go along with the new suits, he decided that even his shirts would be made to order.
"Okay," said the shirt maker, "let's get your measurements. Hmm, thirty-four sleeve, sixteen collar --"
"No, I wear a fifteen collar" John told him.
"Sixteen collar," the shirt maker repeated, measuring again.
"But I've always worn a fifteen collar," said John.
"Listen," said the shirt maker, "I'm telling you right now, if you keep on wearing a tight fifteen collar, your eyes will bulge out and you'll have ringing in your ears."
|
To Maintain A Healthy
Level Of Insanity
1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car
With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow
Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't
Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To
Do Something, ask
If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The
Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks,
Write ' For
Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and
see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out
to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order
Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your
Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM,
Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running
towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due
To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE
PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM
IS.
That's
a Fair Point...
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the
executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices
that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."
"Yes," says the man.
"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."
"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application, "At least I'm not a quitter."
$7.98?
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"
The lawyer replied, "Of course. How much was the roast?"
"$7.98," said the butcher.
A few days later, the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read, Legal Consultation Service: $150.
A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman.
After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor
and handed her a $70 bill for labor.
"Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It only took you five
minutes."
The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-
hour charge on every house call.
"Well, I want my remaining paid labor," the lady responded,
and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55
minutes in her yard bagging leaves.
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, "How do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Get
out and push!
A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the
middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so
strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly forward.
The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.
The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pete, that's the idiot who climbed into the car while we were pushing."
B-B-B-Busted!
Robert calls home to his
wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in
Canada
with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a
good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you
please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.
We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things
up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
His wife, Rhonda, thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
Rhonda welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. Robert says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
"I did," Rhonda replies, "they were in your tackle box."
Uh,
Doc?
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted
to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my
life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I wonder then, just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
Two
Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that
I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and
finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack
and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still
be alive.
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.
The little girl replied thoughtful, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
Two boys were playing baseball. The pitcher threw the ball and the batter connected with a crack. "Wow!" said the pitcher, "It's a run-home!"
"You mean a home run," said the batter.
"No, I mean a run-home," said the pitcher. "You just hit the ball through the neighbor's window!"
That's
just cruel!
A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped
from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent.
The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the
camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."
SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!!
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to
know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!
Fore!
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the
clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get
his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth
hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
Never
Expected That
A fire started in some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was
called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department
could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite
some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was
made.
The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight toward the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames, and stopped. The volunteers jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.
"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"
A man walking down a country lane saw a young boy struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot," said the man, "why don't you rest a moment, and then I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."
"Everyone is entitled to a break," the gentleman said. "Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young boy protested that his father would be upset. The man said, "Your father is much too strict. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the boy, "he's under the load of hay."
Silly
Puppy!
A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a
short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the
red light.
First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.
After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.
The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the behind."
Very
Punny?
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though
all the signs say not to.
The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands, and the fire crawled up her arm.
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked and took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened, and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming.
All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her in the leg. This took everyone by surprise.
The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."
I'm
guessing this is a "to-go" order?
Kendra grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up
the thermos, and the barista quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" Kendra asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh, good!" Kendra sighed in relief, "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
Weather Prediction Done Right
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to
the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."
The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."
The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said, "My radio is broken."
*************
A father had three boys.
One summer evening, they were all playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner.
One of the boys "shot" his father and yelled, "Bang! You're dead!"
He slumped to the ground and when he didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if he had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked father opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day."
You
Switched What?
Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the
mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the
time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the
circumstances.
His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing.
The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.
The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."
The woman came back the next day for the viewing. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.
The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice... So I switched the heads."
So You Think You Want a Fireplace
I was just a boy, but when I saw a show on television with a family
gathered around
a fireplace, I knew I wanted one when I had my own house. They usually showed a
romantic scene with a beautiful couple curled in front of a roaring fire or a
family playing
games and having fun with that ever-present, cozy fire burning in the
background.
It looked so relaxing. I grew up thinking I had to have a fireplace:
a place to cuddle
with my wife, enjoy a glass of wine and set the mood for those romantic winter
evenings. In
my mind, I heard the snow, sleet and hail rattling against the windows, as the
wind howled
through the trees. I imagined my future wife and I cuddled together, toasty and
warm. We'd
stare at the burning logs and hold each other as our children slept safely in
their beds.
Not once did the programs on TV show how difficult it was to keep that fire burning.
One year we got our fireplace, but those nights of cuddling were far from reality.
I remember the first year we had it. I ordered a cord of wood, cut
to length, but
round. I planned to do my own splitting to save a few dollars and get my winter
exercise at
the same time. I figured I'd get a big axe, split wood and by spring I would
look like a
lumber jack.
That is what I thought!
After the first winter, I was nearly crippled. I was splitting a log
one day and missed
it altogether. The axe hit the frozen ground between my legs. The shock wave
that rippled
up my arm brought tears to my eyes. Three years and four cortisone shots later,
my elbow
still caused me pain.
If you want a fireplace, then this is how your winter will go. I call
it "Fireplace Aerobics."
1. Buy one cord of wood.
2. Lug wood to basement.
3. Split kindling.
4. Carry arm load of wood up the stairs.
5. Light fire.
6. Light fire again - (Failed first time).
7. Light fire again.
8. Sit down, enjoy for twenty minutes.
9. Feed fire with another log - (repeat 30 times).
10. Out of wood? Get more from basement.
11. Feed fire one last time and go to bed.
12. Wake up, relight fire.
13. Relight again.
14. Clean dust from household furniture.
15. Repeat steps 4 to 14 for 12 days.
16. Clean ashes from fireplace.
17. Clean chimney.
18. Dust furniture again.
19. Clean fireplace glass... well do what you can.
20. Repeat steps 4 to 19 until out of wood.
21. Order more wood.
22. Lug to basement.
23. Repeat steps 4 to 22.
24. Call fire department, (you forgot step 17).
25. Repeat steps 4 to 24 till winter is over.
26. Sell house.
27. Buy propane or electric heated house.
28. Live there for three years.
29. Miss fireplace.
30. Build one.
31. Go to step one.
Following this routine, winter quickly passes.
Did I mention you'll get in shape
as well?
Michael T. Smith
Pull
Buddy, Pull!
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a
local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"
Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing...
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
***********
Suzanne stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."
**************************
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!
The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to
Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup
of coffee.
3) 15 minutes
later, write a check and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:
$30.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $31.00
==========
Oil Change
instructions for Men :
1) Wait until
Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter,
hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.00.
2) Stop by
7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.
3) Open a beer
and drink it.
4) Jack car
up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack
stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In
frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain
pan under engine.
8) Look for
9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and
use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew
drain plug.
11) Drop drain
plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out
from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on
spilled oil.
13) Have
another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30
minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up;
crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out
from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from
holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid
environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install
new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first
quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember
drain plug from step 11..
20) Hurry to
find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink
beer.
22) Discover
that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil
spill.
23) Get drain
plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl
under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean
drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang
knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin
cussing fit.
26) Throw
stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for
additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy..
28) Beer.
29) Clean up
hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in
five fresh quarts of oil..
32) Beer.
33) Lower car
from jack stands.
34) Move car
back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive
car.
37) Get pulled
over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets
impounded.
39) Call
loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours
later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the
job was done right!
EVER SINCE
I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE
UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK
AND TOLD HIM:
'I've got
problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get
rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were
having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of
money!
A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money
that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a
bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !”
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
Their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of
Viagra in
His son's medicine cabinet,
he asked
About using one of the
pills.
The son said, "I don't think
you should
Take one Dad; they're very
strong
And very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the
son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa,
"I'd still like to
Try one, and before we
leave in the
Morning, I'll put the money
Under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the
son found
$110 under the pillow. He
called
Grandpa and said, "I told
You each pill was
$10, not $110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The
Hundred is from
Grandma!"
5 Minute Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is finishing up
her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands David, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, David says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of David.. After a few seconds, David hands her $800
and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ' Who was that?'
'It was David, the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he
owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand
slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember
Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each
of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof!
She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,
'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of
a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the
energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
bull. It's full of nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on
him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.
Now that Vancouver will
be hosting the
2010 Winter Olympics,
these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.
Believe
it or not these questions about Canada were
posted on
an International Tourism Website.
Obviously
the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the
plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants
fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much
you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto -
can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four
thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ?
( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they
say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATM's
(cash machines) in Canada ? Can
you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax ?
( England )
A: No, but you'd better
bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ?
( USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big
triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da
is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is
every Tuesday night in Calgary Come
naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ?
( USA )
A: Face south and then
turn 180 degrees contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery
into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your
fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the
Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that
quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure,
the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and
in Calgary,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ?
( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new
product that is the fountain of youth. Where
can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant
numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the
regions in British
Columbia where
the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate
Thanksgiving in Canada ?
( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets
in Toronto and
is milk available all year round? (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful
civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have
a question about a famous animal in Canada ,
but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose.
They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying
yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to
speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have
to learn it first.
Please send this on to any Canadian (or others) who you think will enjoy it as much as I did.
******************
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
CIGARETTES
AND
TAMPONS
A man walks
into a pharmacy
and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him
and asks him if she can help him
He answers that he is looking for
a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down
the correct aisle.
A few minutes later,
he deposits
a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir,
I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You
see, it's
like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton
of cigarettes, and
she came back
with a tin of tobacco
and some
rolling
papers; cause
it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo
much cheaper.
So, I figure
if I have to roll my own
.......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the
milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
A s they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to
men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know
how you can be
so stupid and so
beautiful all at
the same time.
'The wife
responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be
attracted to me;
God made me
stupid so I would be
attracted to you.
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top
of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:0 0 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had
missed his flight Furious, he was abo ut to go and see why his wife hadn't
wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests..
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a
rough draft before the masterpiece
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!
*********************
A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon
with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of
the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir
with my fingers."
The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and
returned shortly with another cup of coffee.
"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.
The doctor at a regional hospital tells his patient, "I have good
news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?"
The patient asks for the bad news first. "I have the results of your
examination of your injuries to both your feet and we're going to have to
amputate right away."
"That's the bad news? How could there be good news?"
"See that man in the lobby? The seedy-looking fellow?"
"Yeah," says the patient. "What about him?"
The doctor looks at the patient with a grin, "He wants to buy your
shoes!
The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind
telling me why you don´t like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
It was the worst rainstorm of the century. Half the valley was gone! Agitated, a
man called the rescue hotline.
"Help me. I'm standing in two feet of water!"
The operator at the hotline said, "That's not exactly a flood emergency around
here."
The man said, "No? I'm calling from the fourth floor!"
"Parting Shot"
The only time the world beats a path to your door
is when you're in the bathroom.
Justice in Detroit, Michigan.
December 10, 2009...(AP) -
A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Wayne County
courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court
ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy
has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with
child custody law and regulation requiring that family
unity be maintained to the highest degree possible..
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his
aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly
refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested
that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and
said that they also beat him..After considering the
remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among
them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing
the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer
with the child welfare officials, the judge granted
temporary custody to the Detroit Lions Football Team,
whom the boy firmly believes are not capable
of beating anyone..
____________
This guy goes into a whore house
and gives the lady
at the front desk $500 and tells her that he wants
a woman that can handle him. She replies, go down
the hall and its the second door on the right. He
does and just as they get started she starts
screaming from the pain.He then marches back to the
front desk and tell the woman that he said he wanted
a woman that could handle him. She says, ok go down
the hall and its the third door on the left. He does
and once again the woman starts screaming just as
they get started. Then he goes back to the front desk
and she says I know, I know,you want a women that can
handle you. She says, ok ,ok, this time go all the way
down the hall and down the stairs, there won't be any
lights so just feel around til you hit something furry
and wet and stick it in. He does this and just as they
get started nothing happens there isn't any screaming.
Well he thinks, finally, this could work. As he gets
into it he shouts "Oh yea, talk to me baby".
She replies "BAAAAAAA"!
___________
A college student picked up his
date at her parents
home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take
her to a fancy restaurant. Once at the fancy place, to
his dismay she ordered almost every most expensive item
on the menu. She ordered appetizers (everything from
Calamari to Escargot), lobster, prime rib, champagne...
the works!Finally he asked her, "Does your mother feed you
like this at home?" "No," she answered, "but my mother
isn't expecting me to suck her cock."
__________
Once was watching his mother take
a bath. As she got
out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks,
"Momma what are those?"
She replies, "Son those are my breasts."
As she turns her back to him, he asks "Momma what is that?"
She replies "Son that is my derriere."
As she turns to slip on her robe he spies her nether
region and asks, "Momma what is that?"
She replies "That son is none of your business!"
Later the boy is playing by the kitchen door,
and the father comes in from work hungry. The father
hollers toward the kitchen to the mom, "Hey, honey,
what's for dinner?"
She replies "None of your business."
The son, shaking his head, says, "YUCK!"
____________
A man was walking in the street
when he heard a voice:
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick
will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of
him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after
awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the
voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more
step a car will run over you and you will die." The
man did as he was instructed, just as a car came
careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where were you when I
got married?"
____________
Although a bright and able man, my
husband is almost completely
helpless when faced with even the simplest domestic chore.
One day, in exasperation, I pointed out to him that our
friend, Betty had taught her husband Frank, to cook,
sew and do laundry, and that if anything ever happened
to Betty, Frank would be able to care for himself.
Then I said, "What would you do if anything happened to me?"
After considering that possibility for a moment, my
husband said happily, "I'd move in with Frank!"




OH....THOSE DIRTY MINDS...LOL...
Christmas at Rock-Away Rest
'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest
And all of us seniors were looking our best
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope
Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social- security checks had arrived.
We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m.Stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest. 'fore long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse;
My wife she awoke to ask what was the matter,
'Twas not Santa Claus, 'twas my keyboard clatter.
One would think that my friends
would all be fast asleep,
But why does my email go click-click and beep-beep?
'Cause elsewhere in the world it's tomorrow already
And my flood of email comes strong, fast and steady.
My eNews buddies are browsing and
leaping
They still cruise the Web while others are sleeping;
With most people in bed, all cozy and curled,
Our eNews goes click-click and changes the world
While the old-fashioned types
still send their regards
By snail mail with postage and hard-copy Christmas cards,
My cyberspace friends simply copy and paste
Their cute email greetings, just in time with no waste.
I type "Froehliche Weihnachten"
for my German friends,
My "Feliz Navidad" Spanish greetings extends,
And my English buddies get a "Chin-chin old chap!"
"Put a shrimp on the barbie!" is my Down-under rap.
While my wife sends her few cards
with stamps and lick-lick.
I send off four thousand email cards with a click;
The answers come back at almost speed of light,
That’s what makes my email go beep-beep in the night.
But please, cyber friends, don’t
email too much;
Don't just have a virtual Christmas ... go touch!
I wish you all a good time and lots of good cheer
To all a good Christmas! And a Happy New Year!
The Hot Dog Business
Don goes into
business for himself. He buys a hotdog cart and sets it up in a prime spot on a
busy downtown corner, right near a large bank.
One day, his friend Jim approaches him and asks Don if he can lend him some
money.
Don refuses.
"But why?" asks Jim. "Everyone knows you're doing well and I'm not asking for
much."
"Well, Jim, in order to get this spot, I had to sign a Non-competition Agreement
with that bank over there. According to the terms of the agreement, they don't
sell hot dogs and I don't lend money."
Bluffing?
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old
rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the
railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back
room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get
him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the
rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer
couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You
know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I
couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the
caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one
witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little
worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this
morning."
Bad Luck
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had
been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his
bedside every single day.
When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him,
he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I
got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were
there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me
support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know
what?"
"What dear?" She asks gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
A Scot and an American were talking
about playing
golf during the various seasons of the year.
"In most parts of the
U.S. we cannot play in the winter
time. We have to wait until spring," the Yank said.
"Why, in
Scotland we can even play in the winter time.
Snow and cold are no object to us!" exulted the Scot.
"Well, what do you do... paint your balls black?"
asked the American. "No, nothing that drastic," said the
Scotsman. "We just put on an extra sweater or two."
_____________
Maury and Pauly were at the bar
again, exchanging confidences
after their 6th beer: "You know," says Maury, " I been
married 23 years, and I'm still in love with the same
woman I had my first sex with."
"'At's wonnerful," replies Pauly.
"Just don't say anything about it to my wife," continues
Maury, "if she ever found out about it, she'd kill me!"
_______________
"Look", says the extremely beautiful
landlady, who
loves a bet! "If any one of you can tell me where you
live without stuttering I'll let you shag me!"
Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the
Englishman "Where do you live?" "M M M M Man Man Manch ..."
"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to
the Scotsman, "Okay - where do you live, Scotty?" she asks,
trying not to laugh.
"E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb ..."
"Nope. You lose." says the gorgeous woman.
"And Paddy,where do you live?"
"London"
blurts out the Irishman.
"Oh, bugger!" says the landlady.
A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly
takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.
Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she
takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom.
Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.
Paddy, with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on
and goes for glory, and then - right at the climaxing
stroke, he suddenly screams out: " ....... D D D
Derry!!"
_____________
Two very drunk gentlemen stood at the
bar near closing
time. "I've got an idea," said one, "let's have one
more drink and then go and find us some girls to bang."
"No thanks," replied the other one, "I've got more
than I can handle at home."
"Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one
more drink and go up to your place."
___________
Kids Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
_____________________________________ ` _______
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Play
Dress Up
You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered the suspect.
"And what did you steal?"
"A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.
"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"
"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color."
Ewww!
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to
do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.
Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.
When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.
"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change."
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
Piñata!
Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You
know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in
Southern California."
Scott agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy
everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel south and set up in a vacant lot. As they are constructing the
tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch
them at work.
When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump. When he bounces at the end
of the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and
scratches. Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him, so Glenn falls again,
bounces, and then comes back up.
This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes
down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up—he's got a couple of
broken bones and is almost unconscious.
On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in. "What
happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"
Glenn cathes his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me.. what
the heck is a piñata?"
Is
Rolf There?
Jamie asked his dad to
explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
His father picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered, he asked, "Can I speak to Rolf, please?"
"No! There's no one named Rolf here," replies the person who answered the phone.
The father hung up. "That, my boy, is irritation."
He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number, then asked for Rolf a second time. "No, there's no one here called Rolf. Go away. If you call again I'm calling the cops," the person said.
The father hung up and said, "That's aggravation."
"Then what's frustration?" asked Jamie. The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Rolf. Have I received any phone calls?"
Now That's A Bad Joke!
A couple decide to go
for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their
local Chinese restaurant.
They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken
Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the
wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount
and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams
back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him
to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and
demands an explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter...
"I've brought you the Peking Duck."
Train, Train
A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance
one of the engines broke down.
"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power.
Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a
standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the
train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The badnews is
that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good
news is that this is a train and not a plane."
I'm Drunk
A police officer pulls
over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the
guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that,
I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that,
I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
Desert Bacon
Andy and Tim had been
lost in the desert for weeks, and they were at death's door. As they stumbled
on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they
suddenly spotted, through the heat's haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they got closer, they could see that the tree was draped with strip after
strip of bacon.
There was smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon—all
sorts. "My goodness, Tim," cries Andy, "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!"
"You're right!" replies Tim, who started running on ahead right up to the tree,
salivating at the prospect of food.
But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there was the sound of machine
gun fire, and he was wounded in a hail of bullets.
Andy quickly dropped down on the sand, and called across to his the inhured
friend.
"Tim, Tim! What happened?"
"Arrrgh... it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a
Ham Bush."
A Robbery!
One night, Larry was
walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.
Larry and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Larry
put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him
and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through Larry's pockets and searched him. All the thief
could find on him was 25 cents.
The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Larry why he had bothered to
fight so hard for a 25 cents.
"Was that all you wanted?" Larry replied, "I thought you were after the five
hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"
Oh My! That's Bad...
Tom worked as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years.
One day the supermarket got new orange juice machines, and Tom was real excited
and asked the manager if he can work the juice machines.
The manager said no.
Tom argued, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice
machines?"
The manager replied, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers."
|
|
|
Weekly Workout
The Doctor told me, I should start an exercise program. Not Wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:
Monday Beat around the bush Jump to conclusions Climb the walls Wade through the morning paper
Tuesday Drag my heels Push my luck Make mountains out of mole hills Hit the nail on the head
Wednesday Bend over backwards Jump on the Band Wagon Run around in circles
Thursday Advise the President on how to run the country Toot my own horn Pull out all the stops Add fuel to the fire
Friday Open a can of worms Put my foot in my mouth Start the ball rolling Go over the edge
Saturday Pick up the pieces!!
Sunday Kneel in prayer Bow my head in thanksgiving Uplift my hands in praise Hug someone and encourage them.
Whew! What a workout! |
How do these people survive?
ONE
Recently,
when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9
or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
TWO
I was
checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind
me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers'
that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they
wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking
it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the
Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the
ATM 'thingy'
(keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker.
Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the
door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.
It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What
do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With
that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on
the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother
calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to
the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give
the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him
some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'
Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!
Sit in Your Own pew
An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed
that people were staring at her.
She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just
let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your
hearing aid."
Must Have Hit an Air Pocket...
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down
in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big
guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he
can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big
guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea
passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over
the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit
all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"
Coffee Yuck
The young clerk's
responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of
every day.
Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full.
The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was
still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he
finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to
produce one-third less than the judge wanted.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim,
and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the
clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in
my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside
your office."
Take a Non-Existent Seat
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a
semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and
ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his
desk and wrote on the board:
"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not
exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some
students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of
the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a
minute.
A week later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he
could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
W x H
Scott and Glenn were trying to measure a telephone pole. Every time one of them
would get part way up, he would slide back down.
Then along came this really big, muscular guy who asked, "Hey, what are you guys
doing?"
Scott replies, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole."
The muscular guy wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground,
lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground
and tells them, "40 feet," then walks away.
Glenn turns to Scott and says, "What a stupid idiot—we wanted the height, not
the width."
Roll Over, Beethoven
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later,
the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise
coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and
got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music
coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a
moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played
backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's
backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the
Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he
stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My
fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven
decomposing."
CA NA DUH
|
|
TEN
PEEVES THAT DOGS HAVE ABOUT HUMANS |
|
'1' |
My Job Title
My job is in the
Aerospace industry and it's always been a challenge to explain just what kind of
work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before
deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was
talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense Contractor."
The men nodded and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to
myself. Then one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly?
Chain link?"
Giving It All Up
Jon was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and
shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
Jon took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this
money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
Jon said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to
take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I
know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
"Hey, man, that's OK!" Jon responded, "I just want her to see what a man looks
like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"
10 Signs That You're Broke
1. American Express
calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
5. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
6. Your rob Peter... and then rob Paul.
7. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
8. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
9. Your bologna has no first name.
10. You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
Not so long ago...
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public, You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead!
Hi Robert!
Rhonda went to a pet
shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the
cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner replied, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in
a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She
took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to
say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New
house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's not so
bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said,
"New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the
situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Robert, came home from work. The bird looked
at him and said, "Hi Robert."
A Squirrel?
Ray was trying to cross the street.
As he stepped off the curb a car came screaming around the corner and headed
straight for him.
Ray walked faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changed lanes
and kept coming at him.
So Ray turned around to go back, but the car changed lanes again and continued
coming at him.
By then, the car was so close and Ray was so scared that he just froze in the
middle of the road.
The car got real close, then swerved at the last possible moment and stopped
next to Ray.
The driver rolled down the window. It was a squirrel.
It said, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
Artichokes
This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and
seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy
cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.
He goes up to one of the guys and says, "I want to join the Mafia."
The guy answers, "You ever kill any one for money?"
"No." Artie answers.
The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta
kill somebody for money."
So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"
"I'm not gonna pay you." the guy says.
Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."
The guy says, "Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it,
and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."
"Oh thank you, thank you!" Artie replies and heads off on his mission. He goes
to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's
lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to
death. The bag boy sees it, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't
out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him
to death.
In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT
RALPHS!"
Our 7-year-old daughter had just won $2.00 for her memory work in Sunday school. After the morning service, the pastor's wife congratulated her.
Our daughter proudly announced, "And I put it all in the morning's offering!"
"My, how wonderful!" the pastor's wife exclaimed. "I'm sure God will be pleased."
"Yes," the child replied. "Now maybe God will let me do some of the things I want to do!"
Appreciate What You have
Bob went over to his friend Joe's house and was amazed at how well Joe treated
his wife. He often told her how attractive she was, complimented her on her
cooking and showered her with hugs and kisses.
"Gee," Bob remarked later, "you really make a big fuss over your wife".
"I started to appreciate her more about six months ago," Joe said. "It has
revived our marriage and we couldn't be happier."
Inspired, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife and told her how much he loved her
and said he wanted to hear all about her day. But she burst into tears. "Honey,"
Bob said, "whats' the matter?".
"This has been the worst day," she replied. "This morning Billy fell off his
bike and broke his ankle, then the washing machine broke. Now to top it off, you
come home drunk !".
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister
Noticed a cute glass bowl
Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
With water,
And in the water
Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied,
'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package
On the ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread
of disease.
Do you know
I haven't had the flu
All winter.'
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission
in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes
that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and
says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he
points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, 'My bike.'
Airline Gripe Sheet
After every flight,
airplane pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics
about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document
their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the
next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. These are claimed
to be actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions
recorded by maintenance engineers.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Name Your Fee
The After Life
Three Turtles
Three turtles, Joe, Bill, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs
the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is,
the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get
there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the
basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, "Alright, Bill, gimme the
bottle opener."
"I didn't bring the bottle opener," Bill says, "I thought you packed it."
Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. "Do you have the bottle opener?"
Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from
home without soda. Joe & Bill beg Raymond to go back home and retrieve it, but
Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets
back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on
their great grand-turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond
sets off down the road, slow and steadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Bill are hungry and puzzled, but a
promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Bill starts getting
restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts, "We promised."
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner
down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open
their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says,
"I knew it!, I'm not going!"
Catholic Shampoo
While shopping in a food
store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.
One nun
said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot
summer evening?"
The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable
buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out
counter."
"I can
handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and
headed for the check-out.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a
six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you
will."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."
A Great Way
to Look at Things
The Worm
Totally Unaware
Fisherman's Logic
Old Grey Mare Hair
Yarr!
Ewwww!
Piñata!
Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You
know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in
Southern California."
Scott agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy
everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel south and set up in a vacant lot. As they are constructing the
tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch
them at work.
When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump. When he bounces at the end
of the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and
scratches. Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him, so Glenn falls again,
bounces, and then comes back up.
This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes
down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up—he's got a couple of
broken bones and is almost unconscious.
On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in. "What
happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"
Glenn cathes his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me... what
the heck is a piñata?"
The Deputy
Not what I had in mind
Elephant
Salary Theorem
"Salary Theorem" states
that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and
Sales People."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the
following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.
As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the
amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.
*****************
My wife sat down
on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started......
________________________________________________
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started....
________________________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the
truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, And
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....
________________________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you
just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
Well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF !!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
"I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started......
________________________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started.....
________________________________________________
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive..
So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started.....
________________________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to
go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly
silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability,
too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since.'
'Oh My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'
And then the fight started.....
________________________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
________________________________________________
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I
feel horrible! I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started......
The Naval Student
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked
the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
A Lawyer!
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her
arithmetic classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his
wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to
charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"
Not a joke?
How Smart Is Your Right Foot? Trust me try this, it takes only few seconds.
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at
least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!
1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make
clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand..
Your foot will change direction!!!
I told you so.. And there is nothing you can do about it.
Two Snakes
Two snakes were out taking a stroll when the son snake turns to the mother snake
and asks: "Mommy! Are we poisonous?"
"Why, yes we are", says the second.
Again the baby snake asks, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"
"Yes, we are very poisonous."
The baby snake becomes very upset. Again, he asks, "Are we really really
poisonous?"
"Yes we are really really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in
the world. Why do you ask?"
"I just bit my lip!!!"
By any other name...
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to
take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor
about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know,
the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that
flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and
shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class
from?"
Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . You wear pants don't you?
He said . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . They don't have time
He said . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.
He said . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
She said . They already have boyfriends.
She said... What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . A widow.
He said . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
My Wife Thinks I’m God
The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do
any work around the house. It’s incredible.”
The second guy says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God.”
“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”
“Every night she places a burnt offering before me.”
Beer Snobs
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents
decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona
sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The
King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring
water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a
little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a
Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys
aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
The Engineer
The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the
guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets
his fate.
The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward
heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and
it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping
that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the
guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches
from his neck.
So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the
blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, "WAIT!!!… I think the
problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!"
Examen de français en primaire (véridique)!!!
|
I
Want a Divorce!
A woman sees a lawyer about a divorce.
He asks, Any grounds?
Woman: yeah, about 2 acres.
Lawyer: Do you have a grudge?
Woman: No, we have a carport.
Lawyer: Does your husband beat you up in the morning?
Woman: No, I get up before him.
Agitated lawyer: Well, do you or don’t you want a divorce?
Woman: No, my husband wants it… he claims he can’t communicate with me!
Raising Chickens
A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me 100 baby chickens.” The
co-op man complies.
A week later the man returns and says, “Give me 200 baby chickens.” The co-op
man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me 500 baby
chickens.”
“Wow!” the co-op man replies, “You must really be doing well!”
“Naw,” said the man with a sigh, “I’m either planting them too deep or too far
apart!”
Contacting the Departed
A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed
grandmother.
The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a
voice comes, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”
The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, “Grandma? Is that you?”
“Yes granddaughter, it’s me.”
“It’s really you, Grandma?” the woman repeats.
“Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter.”
The woman pauses a moment, “Grandma, I have just one question for you.”
“Anything, my child.”
“When did you learn to speak English?”
Playing Hookey
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he
told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass
for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t
accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee,
he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from
the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are
you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD
HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him
do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”
A Well Planned Life
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school together many
years ago.One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school. Have you
had a nice life?”
“I have lived a well-planned life,” her old friend responded. “My first marriage
was to a millionaire. My second marriage was to an actor. My third husband was a
preacher, and now I’m married to an undertaker.”
Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?”
“One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!”
The Trade
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishoners on a bicycle, when he came
upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower.
“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.
“I’m just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in
trade for it?”
The boy said, “You got a deal.”
The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few
times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to
start.”
The little boy said, “That’s ’cause you have to cuss at it to get it started.”
The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since
I’ve been saved that I don’t know if I even remember how to cuss.”
The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that
string. It’ll come back to ya!”
Going
to the Zoo
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally
his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
“So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.
“Great,” Little Johnny replied.
“Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.
“Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, “One of
the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!”
The Wonderful English Language
We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became
oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of
moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is
houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn’t the
plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair
be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn’t the
plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would
never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never
say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the
feminine, she, shis and shim.
Under the Bed
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone being under my bed
at night.
So, one day I went to a psychologist and told him.
"I've got problems, doc. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said he."Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears.."
"How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit", replied the
doctor. "I'll sleep on it." I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! Heck, a bartender cured me for $10." I was so happy to have saved
all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said,
"and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"
25 REASONS I'VE LEARNED TO APPRECIATE MY MOTHER:
1.
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to
knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why .'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me.'
6..... My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about
STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado
went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about
ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they
are going to freeze that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP..
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO
BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you... Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age,
you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'