Updated:  March 12/2010

Laughter is the jam on the toast of life; it adds flavor, keeps it from becoming too dry, and makes it easier to swallow.

Page of links to funny videos, sites etc

More humour: http://www.amusingfacts.com/humor

dumb people stories at: http://www.amusingfacts.com/dumbest

Some of these are pretty funny! http://www.oldjewstellingjokes.com/2009/03/larry-donsky-baby.html

http://www.squiglysplayhouse.com/JokesAndRiddles/index.html

The local motor vehicle licensing office was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until one man finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture. 

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

Just a Dime

As a kid I used to have a lemonade stand. The sign said, "All you can drink for a dime." So some kid would come up, plunk down his dime, drink a glass, and say, "Refill it."

I'd say, "That'll be another dime."

"How come? Your sign says -- All you can drink for a dime!"

"Well, you had a glass didn't you?"

"Yeah."

"That's all you can drink for a dime."

A Viable Solution

My son is a "high-energy" kid who never sits still and is always on the move.

I was surprised when my wife suggested that we buy him a bike for his birthday.

"Do you really believe that'll help improve his behavior ?" I asked.

"Well, no," she admitted, "But it'll spread it over a wider area."

A Day at the Zoo...

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored from just swinging around. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Masonry or Matrimony?

A thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

"No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window.

"What I'd give to own that!" she said.

"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership.

"Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

"Forget that!" the guy moans, "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something!?"

A good deal

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," he said, "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law,"Well then, you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law, "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law., "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man, "Buy me out."

Good idea!

Joan had a system for labeling leftover meals in the freezer . She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.

So now you'll see a whole new set of labels: "Whatever", "Anything", "I Don't Know", "I Don't Care", "Something Good", or "Food" .

No more frustration for Joan because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.

Want to buy a toothbrush?

The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes.

He replied, "It's easy!" and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top.

He told his boss, "I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chips and dip to draw in the customers." He laid out his chips and dip.

"That's a very innovative approach," his boss said, as he took one of the chips, dipped it, and stuck it in his mouth. "Yuck, this tastes terrible!"

The salesman replied "IT IS? Want to buy a toothbrush?"

Watch where you're looking!

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.

A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House.

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again.

After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out, "About 20 minutes."

"Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

"Didn't know how fast you could walk."

 

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

A college freshman called up his mother and asked her for some money, because he was broke. His mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the student.

So his mom wrapped up the book and mailed it. Dad asked, "Well how much did you give him?"

"Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $500."

"That's $520!" said dad, "Are you crazy?"

"Don't worry honey," mom said. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $500 one somewhere in chapter 19!"

But I Wear a Fifteen!

John went to the doctor because he had bulging eyes and a persistent ringing in his ears.

The doctor looked him over and suggested removing his tonsils.

The tonsillectomy resulted in no improvement, so John consulted a dentist who suggested that removing his teeth might eliminate the problem.

All of John's teeth were extracted but still his eyes bulged out and the annoying ringing in his ears continued.

A third doctor told him bluntly, "You have six months to live."

Feeling doomed and gloomy, John decided to treat himself right while he still had time, so he bought a flashy car, hired a chauffeur and a gardener, and got himself measured by a tailor for some new suits. To go along with the new suits, he decided that even his shirts would be made to order.

"Okay," said the shirt maker, "let's get your measurements. Hmm, thirty-four sleeve, sixteen collar --"

"No, I wear a fifteen collar" John told him.

"Sixteen collar," the shirt maker repeated, measuring again.

"But I've always worn a fifteen collar," said John.

"Listen," said the shirt maker, "I'm telling you right now, if you keep on wearing a tight fifteen collar, your eyes will bulge out and you'll have ringing in your ears."

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1.. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.  

That's a Fair Point...

A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.

"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."

"Yes," says the man.

"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."

"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application, "At least I'm not a quitter."

$7.98?

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.

Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course. How much was the roast?"

"$7.98," said the butcher.

A few days later, the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read, Legal Consultation Service: $150.

A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman.

After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor

and handed her a $70 bill for labor.

"Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It only took you five

minutes."

The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-

hour charge on every house call.

"Well, I want my remaining paid labor," the lady responded,

and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55

minutes in her yard bagging leaves.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director, "How do

you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a

teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Get out and push!

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly forward.

The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pete, that's the idiot who climbed into the car while we were pushing."

B-B-B-Busted!

Robert calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

His wife, Rhonda, thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

Rhonda welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. Robert says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

"I did," Rhonda replies, "they were in your tackle box."

Uh, Doc?

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I wonder then, just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

Two Ladies Talking in  Heaven 
 
1st woman:    Hi! Wanda.
 
2nd woman:   Hi! Sylvia.  How'd you die?
 
1st woman:    I froze to death.
 
2nd woman:   How horrible!
 
1st woman:    It wasn't so bad. After I quit  shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What   about you?
 
2nd woman:   I died of a  massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.   But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
 
1st woman:    So, what happened?
 
2nd woman:   I was so sure there was another woman  there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
 
1st woman:   Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. 

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.  The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.  The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.

The little girl replied thoughtful, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

Two boys were playing baseball. The pitcher threw the ball and the batter connected with a crack. "Wow!" said the pitcher, "It's a run-home!"

"You mean a home run," said the batter.

"No, I mean a run-home," said the pitcher. "You just hit the ball through the neighbor's window!"

That's just cruel!

A loaded mini van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.

A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork."

The father replied, "I have a system; no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."

SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!!
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!

Fore!

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

Never Expected That

A fire started in some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight toward the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames, and stopped. The volunteers jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious, " he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

A man walking down a country lane saw a young boy struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot," said the man, "why don't you rest a moment, and then I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Everyone is entitled to a break," the gentleman said. "Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young boy protested that his father would be upset. The man said, "Your father is much too strict. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the boy, "he's under the load of hay."

Silly Puppy!

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the behind."

Very Punny?

A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to.

The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands, and the fire crawled up her arm.

Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked and took off running down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it happened, and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming.

All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her in the leg. This took everyone by surprise.

The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance. When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said, "My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm."

I'm guessing this is a "to-go" order?

Kendra grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos, and the barista quickly came over to take her order.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" Kendra asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh, good!" Kendra sighed in relief, "Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

Weather Prediction Done Right

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said, "My radio is broken."

*************

A father had three boys.

One summer evening, they were all playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. 

One of the boys "shot" his father and yelled, "Bang! You're dead!" 

He slumped to the ground and when he didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if he had been hurt in the fall.

When the neighbor bent over, the overworked father opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day."

You Switched What?

Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances.

His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing.

The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony."

The woman came back the next day for the viewing. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.

The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice... So I switched the heads."

So You Think You Want a Fireplace
 
            I was just a boy, but when I saw a show on television with a family gathered around
a fireplace, I knew I wanted one when I had my own house. They usually showed a
romantic scene with a beautiful couple curled in front of a roaring fire or a family playing
games and having fun with that ever-present, cozy fire burning in the background.

            It looked so relaxing. I grew up thinking I had to have a fireplace: a place to cuddle
with my wife, enjoy a glass of wine and set the mood for those romantic winter evenings. In
my mind, I heard the snow, sleet and hail rattling against the windows, as the wind howled
through the trees. I imagined my future wife and I cuddled together, toasty and warm. We'd
stare at the burning logs and hold each other as our children slept safely in their beds.

            Not once did the programs on TV show how difficult it was to keep that fire burning.

One year we got our fireplace, but those nights of cuddling were far from reality.

            I remember the first year we had it. I ordered a cord of wood, cut to length, but
round. I planned to do my own splitting to save a few dollars and get my winter exercise at
the same time. I figured I'd get a big axe, split wood and by spring I would look like a
lumber jack.

            That is what I thought!

           After the first winter, I was nearly crippled. I was splitting a log one day and missed
it altogether. The axe hit the frozen ground between my legs. The shock wave that rippled
up my arm brought tears to my eyes. Three years and four cortisone shots later, my elbow
still caused me pain.

           If you want a fireplace, then this is how your winter will go. I call it "Fireplace Aerobics."
 
1. Buy one cord of wood.

2. Lug wood to basement.

3. Split kindling.

4. Carry arm load of wood up the stairs.

5. Light fire.

6. Light fire again - (Failed first time).

7. Light fire again.

8. Sit down, enjoy for twenty minutes.

9. Feed fire with another log - (repeat 30 times).

10. Out of wood? Get more from basement.

11. Feed fire one last time and go to bed.

12. Wake up, relight fire.

13. Relight again.

14. Clean dust from household furniture.

15. Repeat steps 4 to 14 for 12 days.

16. Clean ashes from fireplace.

17. Clean chimney.

18. Dust furniture again.

19. Clean fireplace glass... well do what you can.

20. Repeat steps 4 to 19 until out of wood.

21. Order more wood.

22. Lug to basement.

23. Repeat steps 4 to 22.

24. Call fire department, (you forgot step 17).

25. Repeat steps 4 to 24 till winter is over.

26. Sell house.

27. Buy propane or electric heated house.

28. Live there for three years.

29. Miss fireplace.

30. Build one.

31. Go to step one.

Following this routine, winter quickly passes.

Did I mention you'll get in shape as well?
 
Michael T. Smith

Pull Buddy, Pull!

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"

Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!"

Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing...

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

***********

Suzanne stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took our phone book."

**************************

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

Oil Change instructions for Women: 

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches  3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:

Oil Change:

$30.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $31.00
==========

Oil Change instructions for Men :
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11..
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy..
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil..
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00 
But you know the job was done right!

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE 
UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM: 

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody 
under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.

'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!

A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money

that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

 A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.

 When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...

 "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

 "What?" said her Grandpa.

 "Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !”

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting 
Their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in 
His son's medicine cabinet, he asked 
About using one of the pills.  
The son said, "I don't think you should 
Take one Dad; they're very strong 
And very expensive." 
"How much?" asked Grandpa. 
"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son. 
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to 
Try one, and before we leave in the 
Morning, I'll put the money 
Under the pillow." 
Later the next morning, the son found 
$110 under the pillow. He called  
Grandpa and said, "I told 
You each pill was 
$10, not $110. 
"I know," said Grandpa. "The 
Hundred is from 
Grandma!" 

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is finishing up
her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands David, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, David says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of David.. After a few seconds, David hands her $800
and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ' Who was that?'

'It was David, the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he
owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent
avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand
slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember
Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm
129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each
of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..' Poof!
She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply
of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,
'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you
and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of
a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the
energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the
bull. It's full of nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the
top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the
bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on
him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

Now that Vancouver will be hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. 

Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
 
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA ) 
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to  Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ?  Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver ,  Edmonton and Halifax ? ( England )
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe   Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary  Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. 

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? ( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA ) 
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Where can I sell it in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy ) 
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA ) 
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Please send this on to any Canadian (or others) who you think will enjoy it as much as I did.

 ******************

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
A s they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
 
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
 
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.  
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me  stupid so I would be attracted to you.

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:0 0 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was abo ut to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests..

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a    rough draft before the masterpiece

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

*********************

A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon

with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of

the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir

with my fingers."

The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and

returned shortly with another cup of coffee.

"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.

The doctor at a regional hospital tells his patient, "I have good news and bad news for you.  Which would you like to hear first?"
       The patient asks for the bad news first.  "I have the results of your examination of your injuries to both your feet and we're going to have to amputate right away."
       "That's the bad news?  How could there be good news?"
       "See that man in the lobby?  The seedy-looking fellow?"
       "Yeah," says the patient.  "What about him?"
       The doctor looks at the patient with a grin, "He wants to buy your shoes! 


The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind
telling me why you don´t like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

 

It was the worst rainstorm of the century. Half the valley was gone! Agitated, a man called the rescue hotline.

"Help me. I'm standing in two feet of water!"

The operator at the hotline said, "That's not exactly a flood emergency around here."

The man said, "No? I'm calling from the fourth floor!"

 

"Parting Shot"
The only time the world beats a path to your door
is when you're in the bathroom.

Justice in Detroit, Michigan.  December 10, 2009...(AP) -
A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Wayne County
courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court
ruling over who should have custody of him.  The boy
has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with
child custody law and regulation requiring that family
unity be maintained to the highest degree possible..
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his
aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly
refused to live with her. When the  judge then suggested
that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried  and
said that they also beat him..After  considering the
remainder of the immediate family and learning that 
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among
them, the judge  took the unprecedented step of allowing
the boy to propose who should  have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer
with the child welfare officials, the judge granted
temporary custody to the Detroit Lions Football Team,
whom the boy firmly believes are not capable
of beating anyone..
______________

This guy goes into a whore house and gives the lady
at the front desk $500 and tells her that he wants
a woman that can handle him. She replies, go down
the hall and its the second door on the right. He
does and just as they get started she starts
screaming from the pain.He then marches back to the
front desk and tell the woman that he said he wanted
a woman that could handle him. She says, ok go down
the hall and its the third door on the left. He does
and once again the woman starts screaming just as
they get started. Then he goes back to the front desk
and she says I know, I know,you want a women that can
handle you. She says, ok ,ok, this time go all the way
down the hall and down the stairs, there won't be any
lights so just feel around til you hit something furry
and wet and stick it in. He does this and just as they
get started nothing happens there isn't any screaming.
Well he thinks, finally, this could work. As he gets
into it he shouts "Oh yea, talk to me baby".
She replies "BAAAAAAA"!
___________

A college student picked up his date at her parents
home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take
her to a fancy restaurant. Once at the fancy place, to
his dismay she ordered almost every most expensive item
on the menu. She ordered appetizers (everything from
Calamari to Escargot), lobster, prime rib, champagne...
the works!Finally he asked her, "Does your mother feed you
like this at home?" "No," she answered, "but my mother
isn't expecting me to suck her cock."
__________

Once was watching his mother take a bath. As she got
out to dry off, he notices her upper torso he asks,
"Momma what are those?"
She replies, "Son those are my breasts." 
As she turns her back to him, he asks "Momma what is that?"
She replies "Son that is my derriere."
As she turns to slip on her robe he spies her nether
region and asks, "Momma what is that?"
She replies "That son is none of your business!"
Later the boy is playing by the kitchen door,
and the father comes in from work hungry. The father
hollers toward the kitchen to the mom, "Hey, honey,
what's for dinner?"
She replies "None of your business."
The son, shaking his head, says, "YUCK!"
____________

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice:
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick
will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of
him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after
awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the
voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more
step a car will run over you and you will die." The
man did as he was instructed, just as a car came
careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where were you when I
got married?"
______________

Although a bright and able man, my husband is almost completely
helpless when faced with even the simplest domestic chore.
One day, in exasperation, I pointed out to him that our
friend, Betty had taught her husband Frank, to cook,
sew and do laundry, and that if anything ever happened
to Betty, Frank would be able to care for himself.
Then I said, "What would you do if anything happened to me?"
After considering that possibility for a moment, my
husband said happily, "I'd move in with Frank!"

OH....THOSE DIRTY MINDS...LOL...

Christmas at Rock-Away Rest

'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest 

And all of us seniors were looking our best 

Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;           

Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.        

A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope   

Santa would bring us soft candy and soap. 

We surely were lucky to be there with friends, 

Secure in this residence and in our Depends. 

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts, 

Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts. 

The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth, 

And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath. 

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row, 

Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow. 

Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop -- 

Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top. 

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great, 

Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate. 

The social director then had us play games, 

Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?" 

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,  

Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats. 

Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair, 

In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there. 

Security lights on the new fallen snow 

Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.  

Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter 

(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter). 

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,  

Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor. 

'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.            

He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head. 

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived  

Our social- security checks had arrived.  

We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,  

Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m.Stroke. 

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.          

While nurses distributed nocturnal meds. 

And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest. 

'fore long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except for my mouse;
My wife she awoke to ask what was the matter,
'Twas not Santa Claus, 'twas my keyboard clatter.

One would think that my friends would all be fast asleep,
But why does my email go click-click and beep-beep?
'Cause elsewhere in the world it's tomorrow already
And my flood of email comes strong, fast and steady.

My eNews buddies are browsing and leaping
They still cruise the Web while others are sleeping;
With most people in bed, all cozy and curled,
Our eNews goes click-click and changes the world

While the old-fashioned types still send their regards
By snail mail with postage and hard-copy Christmas cards,
My cyberspace friends simply copy and paste
Their cute email greetings, just in time with no waste.

I type "Froehliche Weihnachten" for my German friends,
My "Feliz Navidad" Spanish greetings extends,
And my English buddies get a "Chin-chin old chap!"
"Put a shrimp on the barbie!" is my Down-under rap.

While my wife sends her few cards with stamps and lick-lick.
I send off four thousand email cards with a click;
The answers come back at almost speed of light,
That’s what makes my email go beep-beep in the night.

But please, cyber friends, don’t email too much;
Don't just have a virtual Christmas ... go touch!
I wish you all a good time and lots of good cheer
To all a good Christmas! And a Happy New Year!

The Hot Dog Business

Don goes into business for himself. He buys a hotdog cart and sets it up in a prime spot on a busy downtown corner, right near a large bank.

One day, his friend Jim approaches him and asks Don if he can lend him some money.

Don refuses.

"But why?" asks Jim. "Everyone knows you're doing well and I'm not asking for much."

"Well, Jim, in order to get this spot, I had to sign a Non-competition Agreement with that bank over there. According to the terms of the agreement, they don't sell hot dogs and I don't lend money."

Bluffing?

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Bad Luck

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" She asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

A Scot and an American were talking about playing
golf during the various seasons of the year.
"In most parts of the U.S. we cannot play in the winter
time. We have to wait until spring," the Yank said.
"Why, in Scotland we can even play in the winter time.
Snow and cold are no object to us!" exulted the Scot.
"Well, what do you do... paint your balls black?"
asked the American. "No, nothing that drastic," said the
Scotsman. "We just put on an extra sweater or two."
_____________

Maury and Pauly were at the bar again, exchanging confidences
after their 6th beer: "You know," says Maury, " I been
married 23 years, and I'm still in love with the same
woman I had my first sex with."
"'At's wonnerful," replies Pauly.
"Just don't say anything about it to my wife," continues
Maury, "if she ever found out about it, she'd kill me!"
_______________

"Look", says the extremely beautiful landlady, who
loves a bet! "If any one of you can tell me where you
live without stuttering I'll let you shag me!"
Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the
Englishman "Where do you live?" "M M M M Man Man Manch ..."
"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to
the Scotsman, "Okay - where do you live, Scotty?" she asks,
trying not to laugh.
"E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb ..."
"Nope. You lose." says the gorgeous woman.
"And Paddy,where do you live?"
"London" blurts out the Irishman.
"Oh, bugger!" says the landlady.
A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly
takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.
Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she
takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom.
Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed.
Paddy, with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on
and goes for glory, and then - right at the climaxing
stroke, he suddenly screams out: " ....... D D D Derry!!"
_____________

Two very drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing
time. "I've got an idea," said one, "let's have one
more drink and then go and find us some girls to bang."
"No thanks," replied the other one, "I've got more
than I can handle at home."
"Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one
more drink and go up to your place."
___________

Kids Are Quick

____________________________________

TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA:       Here it is.

TEACHER:   Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS:         Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN:         K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER:  No, that's wrong

GLENN:         Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)

_____________________________________ ` _______

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER:  What are you talking about?

DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE:       Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN:          Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE:           I is..

TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE:           All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________

TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry

tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS:          Because George still had the axe in his hand.   

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON:        No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER:    Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as

your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE :       No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER:  Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD:   A teacher

Play Dress Up

You admit having broken into the dress shop four times?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered the suspect.

"And what did you steal?"

"A dress, Your Honor," replied the subject.

"One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in four times!"

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect. "But three times my wife didn't like the color."

Ewww!

One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change."

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"

Piñata!

Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Southern California."

Scott agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel south and set up in a vacant lot. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump. When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him, so Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.

This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up—he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"

Glenn cathes his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me.. what the heck is a piñata?"

Is Rolf There?

Jamie asked his dad to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered, he asked, "Can I speak to Rolf, please?"

"No! There's no one named Rolf here," replies the person who answered the phone.

The father hung up. "That, my boy, is irritation."

He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number, then asked for Rolf a second time. "No, there's no one here called Rolf. Go away. If you call again I'm calling the cops," the person said.

The father hung up and said, "That's aggravation."

"Then what's frustration?" asked Jamie. The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time.

"Hello, this is Rolf. Have I received any phone calls?"

Now That's A Bad Joke!

A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.

They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes looking around again before it firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"

"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."

"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter...

"I've brought you the Peking Duck."

Train, Train

A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.

"No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power.

Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The badnews is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane."

I'm Drunk

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Desert Bacon

Andy and Tim had been lost in the desert for weeks, and they were at death's door. As they stumbled on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spotted, through the heat's haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they got closer, they could see that the tree was draped with strip after strip of bacon.

There was smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon—all sorts. "My goodness, Tim," cries Andy, "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!"

"You're right!" replies Tim, who started running on ahead right up to the tree, salivating at the prospect of food.

But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there was the sound of machine gun fire, and he was wounded in a hail of bullets.

Andy quickly dropped down on the sand, and called across to his the inhured friend.

"Tim, Tim! What happened?"

"Arrrgh... it wasn't a bacon tree, it was a Ham Bush."

A Robbery!

One night, Larry was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.

Larry and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Larry put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Larry's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on him was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Larry why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents.

"Was that all you wanted?" Larry replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

Oh My! That's Bad...

Tom worked as a bag boy in a supermarket for 5 years.

One day the supermarket got new orange juice machines, and Tom was real excited and asked the manager if he can work the juice machines.

The manager said no.

Tom argued, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?"

The manager replied, "I'm sorry, but baggers can't be juicers."

How do these people survive?
  
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A woman at  work was seen putting a credit card into her  floppy drive and pulling it out very  quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy'
(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently  saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her  car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.  As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!
 

FIVE
Several years  ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother  calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if  she needs to take her kid to the emergency room,  the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'


Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

Sit in Your Own pew

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed
that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just
let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your
hearing aid."

Must Have Hit an Air Pocket...

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"

Coffee Yuck

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day.

Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.

The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.

"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

Take a Non-Existent Seat

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board:

"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

A week later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

W x H

Scott and Glenn were trying to measure a telephone pole. Every time one of them would get part way up, he would slide back down.

Then along came this really big, muscular guy who asked, "Hey, what are you guys doing?"

Scott replies, "We're trying to measure the height of this pole."

The muscular guy wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground and tells them, "40 feet," then walks away.

Glenn turns to Scott and says, "What a stupid idiot—we wanted the height, not the width."

Roll Over, Beethoven

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

CA NA DUH

My Job Title

My job is in the Aerospace industry and it's always been a challenge to explain just what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense Contractor."

The men nodded and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain link?"

Giving It All Up

Jon was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

Jon took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

Jon said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

"Hey, man, that's OK!" Jon responded, "I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"

10 Signs That You're Broke

1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

4. Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

5. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

6. Your rob Peter... and then rob Paul.

7. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

8. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

9. Your bologna has no first name.

10. You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

Not so long ago...

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account

Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file.

And if you unzipped anything in public, You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife

Paste you did with glue

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash

but when it happens they wish they were dead!

Hi Robert!

Rhonda went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner replied, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Robert, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Robert."

A Squirrel?

Ray was trying to cross the street.

As he stepped off the curb a car came screaming around the corner and headed straight for him.

Ray walked faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changed lanes and kept coming at him.

So Ray turned around to go back, but the car changed lanes again and continued coming at him.

By then, the car was so close and Ray was so scared that he just froze in the middle of the road.

The car got real close, then swerved at the last possible moment and stopped next to Ray.

The driver rolled down the window. It was a squirrel.

It said, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

Artichokes

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the guys and says, "I want to join the Mafia."

The guy answers, "You ever kill any one for money?"

"No." Artie answers.

The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money."

So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"

"I'm not gonna pay you." the guy says.

Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."

The guy says, "Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."

"Oh thank you, thank you!" Artie replies and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death. The bag boy sees it, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"

Paying Off God

Our 7-year-old daughter had just won $2.00 for her memory work in Sunday school. After the morning service, the pastor's wife congratulated her.

Our daughter proudly announced, "And I put it all in the morning's offering!"

"My, how wonderful!" the pastor's wife exclaimed. "I'm sure God will be pleased."

"Yes," the child replied. "Now maybe God will let me do some of the things I want to do!"

Appreciate What You have

Bob went over to his friend Joe's house and was amazed at how well Joe treated his wife. He often told her how attractive she was, complimented her on her cooking and showered her with hugs and kisses.

"Gee," Bob remarked later, "you really make a big fuss over your wife".

"I started to appreciate her more about six months ago," Joe said. "It has revived our marriage and we couldn't be happier."

Inspired, Bob hurried home, hugged his wife and told her how much he loved her and said he wanted to hear all about her day. But she burst into tears. "Honey," Bob said, "whats' the matter?".

"This has been the worst day," she replied. "This morning Billy fell off his bike and broke his ankle, then the washing machine broke. Now to top it off, you come home drunk !".

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister
Noticed a  cute glass bowl
Sitting on top of it.
 


The bowl was filled

With water,
And in the water
Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied,
'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package
On the ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know
I haven't had the flu
All winter.'

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission

in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and

says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he

points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears

a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years

teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'

Airline Gripe Sheet

After every flight, airplane pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. These are claimed to be actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Name Your Fee

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

The After Life

An elderly couple found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Delores," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't gotten so excited about all those stupid oat bran, wheat germ and low-fat diets!"

- Author Unknown

Three Turtles

Three turtles, Joe, Bill, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, "Alright, Bill, gimme the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring the bottle opener," Bill says, "I thought you packed it."

Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. "Do you have the bottle opener?" Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Bill beg Raymond to go back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great grand-turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.

Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Bill are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.

Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.

After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Bill starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

"NO!" Joe retorts, "We promised."

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says, "I knew it!, I'm not going!"

Catholic Shampoo

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.

 One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."

A Great Way to Look at Things

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then... A student took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, pulled a can of beer out of his backpack, and poured it into the jar. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. "No matter how full your life is," the student quipped, "there's always room for beer!"

The Worm

Little Timmy sat playing in the garden.

When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.

She turned pale. "No, Timmy! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"

Trying to convince him further she noted, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."

"No, she isn't," said Timmy.

"How do you know she's not?" said the mother.

"Because I ate her first!"

Totally Unaware

A guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua were walking their dogs in the park. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher told the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let's go to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there with the dogs."

"Just follow my lead." They walked to the restaurant, and the guy with the Doberman Pinscher put on a pair of dark glasses and walked in. A waiter said, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

"A Doberman Pinscher?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The waiter said, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The waiter said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

"A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua asked, astonished. "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

Fisherman's Logic

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"

Old Grey Mare Hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

Yarr!

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

The Pirate responded " We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."

Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"

The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

"Then where did ya get the eye patch from?" the bartender then asked.

The pirate said " In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it pottied right in me eye."

The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you need an eye patch?"

"First day with the hook."

Ewwww!

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realised that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem."

With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

Piñata!

Glenn and Scott are bungee-jumping one day when Glenn has a brainstorm, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Southern California."

Scott agrees that it would be a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel south and set up in a vacant lot. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When everything is ready Glenn gives it a test jump. When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, Scott notices that Glenn has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the Scott isn't able catch him, so Glenn falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.

This time, Glenn is bruised and bleeding. Again, Scott misses him. Glenn goes down again and this time, he comes back pretty messed up—he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

On the next attempt, Scott finally catches him and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"

Glenn cathes his breath and replies, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me... what the heck is a piñata?"

The Deputy

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Todd—who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket—went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff began, "Todd, what is 1 and 1?"

"Eleven," he replied.

The sheriff thought, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter T?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Todd had supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, Todd, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Todd looked a little surprised, thought really hard for a minute, and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So Todd wandered over to the barbershop, where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

Todd was exultant: "It went great! First day on the job, and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Not what I had in mind

Walter, who is quite elderly is resting peacefully on the front porch of a nursing home in the country, when he sees a cloud of dust up the road.

He watches a farmer approaching, with a wagon.

"Good afternoon!" hollers out Walter.

"Afternoon," says the farmer.

"Where you headed?" asks Walter.

"Town."

"What do you have in the wagon?" Walter continued.

"Manure."

"Manure, eh? What do you do with it?"

"I spread it over my strawberries," the farmer says matter-of-factly.

"Well," says Walter, "you should come over here for lunch someday. We use whipped cream."

Elephant

A jeweler watched as a huge truck pulled up in front of his store. The back came down and an elephant walked out. It broke one of the windows with its tusk and then, using its trunk like a vacuum cleaner sucked up all of the jewelry.

The elephant then got back in the truck and it disappeared out of sight.

When the jeweler finally regained his senses he called the police. The detectives came and he told them his story.

"Could you describe the elephant?" the cop asked.

"An elephant is an elephant," he replied. "You've seen one you've seen them all. What do you mean 'describe' him?"

"Well," said the policeman, "there are two types of elephants, African and Indian. The Indian elephant has smaller ears and is not as large as the African elephant."

"I can't help you out," said the frustrated jeweler, "he had a stocking pulled over his head."

Salary Theorem

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.

*****************

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started......

________________________________________________

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


And then the fight started....
________________________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, And whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"


And that's how the fight started....
________________________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, 

Well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF !!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 

"I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started......
________________________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.


And then the fight started.....
________________________________________________

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive..

So, I took her to a gas station.


And then the fight started.....
________________________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. 

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'


And then the fight started...
________________________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.


My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'


Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'


'Oh My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'


And then the fight started.....
________________________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."


And then the fight started...
________________________________________________

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible! I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'


And then the fight started......

The Naval Student

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

A Lawyer!

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Morris raised his hand.

The teacher called on Little Morris for his answer.

With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Morris answered, "A lawyer!"

Not a joke?

How Smart Is Your Right Foot? Trust me try this, it takes only few seconds.

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.. Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so.. And there is nothing you can do about it.

Two Snakes

Two snakes were out taking a stroll when the son snake turns to the mother snake and asks: "Mommy! Are we poisonous?"

"Why, yes we are", says the second.

Again the baby snake asks, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"

"Yes, we are very poisonous."

The baby snake becomes very upset. Again, he asks, "Are we really really poisonous?"

"Yes we are really really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"

"I just bit my lip!!!"

By any other name...

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

Eight Words with two Meanings 

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said . You wear pants don't you?

He said . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said Why don't women blink during foreplay?

She said . They don't have time

He said . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

She said . They already have boyfriends.

She said... What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?

He said . A widow.

He said . Why are married women heavier than single women?

She said . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

My Wife Thinks I’m God

The first guy said, “My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won’t let me do any work around the house. It’s incredible.”

The second guy says, “That’s nothing. My wife thinks I’m God.”

“She thinks you’re God? What makes you say that?”

“Every night she places a burnt offering before me.”

Beer Snobs

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

The Engineer

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, "WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!"

Examen de français en primaire (véridique)!!!

I Want a Divorce!

A woman sees a lawyer about a divorce.

He asks, Any grounds?

Woman: yeah, about 2 acres.

Lawyer: Do you have a grudge?

Woman: No, we have a carport.

Lawyer: Does your husband beat you up in the morning?

Woman: No, I get up before him.

Agitated lawyer: Well, do you or don’t you want a divorce?

Woman: No, my husband wants it… he claims he can’t communicate with me!

Raising Chickens

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me 100 baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, “Give me 200 baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me 500 baby chickens.”

“Wow!” the co-op man replies, “You must really be doing well!”

“Naw,” said the man with a sigh, “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

Contacting the Departed

A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”

The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, “Grandma? Is that you?”

“Yes granddaughter, it’s me.”

“It’s really you, Grandma?” the woman repeats.

“Yes, it’s really me, granddaughter.”

The woman pauses a moment, “Grandma, I have just one question for you.”

“Anything, my child.”

“When did you learn to speak English?”

Playing Hookey

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”

The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”

The Lord smiled and replied, “Who’s he going to tell?”

A Well Planned Life

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school together many years ago.One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school. Have you had a nice life?”

“I have lived a well-planned life,” her old friend responded. “My first marriage was to a millionaire. My second marriage was to an actor. My third husband was a preacher, and now I’m married to an undertaker.”

Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?”

“One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!”

The Trade

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishoners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower.

“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I’m just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”

The boy said, “You got a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s ’cause you have to cuss at it to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t know if I even remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It’ll come back to ya!”

Going to the Zoo

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

“So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.

“Great,” Little Johnny replied.

“Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.

“Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, “One of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!”

The Wonderful English Language

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Under the Bed

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone being under my bed at night.
So, one day I went to a psychologist and told him.

"I've got problems, doc. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said he."Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those fears.."

"How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit", replied the
doctor. "I'll sleep on it." I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! Heck, a bartender cured me for $10." I was so happy to have saved
all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said,
"and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"

25 REASONS I'VE LEARNED TO APPRECIATE MY MOTHER:
1.
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'


2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to
knock you into the middle of next week!'


4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why .'

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6..... My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'


10. My mother taught me about
STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado
went through it.'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about
ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they
are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me ESP..
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me.'


21. My mother taught me HOW TO
BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'


22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you... Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age,
you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.'