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Laughter is the jam on the toast of life; it adds flavor, keeps it from becoming too dry, and makes it easier to swallow.

The Bunnies!

Two easter bunnies were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

How'd he do that!?

Dennis was down at the local police station wanting to talk to the burglar who'd broken in his house the night before.

"No, no, you don't understand," Dennis said. "I want to know how the hell he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

WHEN I AM AN OLD MAN

http://www.inspirationline.com/images/sheep-plaid.jpg

When I am an old man
... I'll wear mixed plaids.
... I'll put my teeth in only when I need them.

... I'll proudly and loudly produce massive amounts of phlegm at will.
... I'll drive as slow as I want — I was here first, wasn't I?

... I'll buy my grandchildren gifts my kids don't want them to have.
... I'll let waiters and waitresses really know how "everything" is tonight.

... I'll wear Vicks Vap-o-Rub, BenGay, and that Icy Blue stuff instead of cologne.
... I'll let my gut stick out. Way, way out — who gives a rip anymore?

... I'll darn sure let people know what I think about
"the trash they're showing on the TV these days."

... I'll let my grandchildren get away with things I used to punish my children for doing.
... I'll blow my nose as hard and as loud as I want!

... I'll make darn sure I get my "Senior" discount!
... I'll refuse to stand in long grocery store lines to pay for a
quart of milk and a box of bran. If they catch me, I'll just act senile.

... I'll keep my turn signal on as long as I want, dab-nabit!
... I'll pass gas whenever and wherever I dang well please.

... I'll darn sure let people know what I think about
"the garbage the government makes us go through just to get what we have coming."

... I'll develop an addiction to Milk of Magnesia.
... I'll write long letters to the editor about whatever I don't like.

... I'll chug Metamucil like I used to chug beer.
... I'll obsessively make elaborate contraptions to keep
the dang squirrels off my bird feeders.

... I'll have more hair growing out of my nose and ears than on the top of my skull.
... I'll flirt with women who wouldn't have gone out with me even when I was their age.

... I'll brush my eyebrow hair up over my bald spot.
... I'll go to them all-you-can-eat buffet lunch places and bring a doggy bag with me.

... I'll wear my pants hiked up around my armpits
or I'll let them ride comfortably down under my belly.

... I'll blow my social security money by buyin' junk from the back of books.

~By Tim Nyberg
(Suggested by Margaret who lives in San Francisco, California)

WHEN I AM AN OLD MAN,
I'll Wear Mixed Plaids
This book has fun with aging without making fun of the aged. Growing old isn't just about subscribing to the large print edition of Reader's Digest. It's driving your car as slow as you want to, wearing your teeth only when you need them, and having a legitimate license to begin sentences with, Back in my day... This parody of When I'm an Old Woman, I Shall Wear Purple shares the griping cynicism, and complete disregard for societal advancements embodied by men who feel they've lived long enough to earn not only their AARP discount, but also the right to do anything any way they darn well please. This collection of hilarious reflections on aging is the perfect gift for all the old men in your life — whether they are on Willard Scott's birthday list or are just turning 40!!
By Tony Dierckins & Tim Nyberg

^{1) Good:
A Caledon OPP policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders,
but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve year old boy
was standing up the road with a hand-painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD'. The officer then found a young
accomplice down
the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we kids used to just sell lemonade!)

2) Better: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding
through an automated radar post in
Kingston , ON . An $80 speeding
ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of
$80. The police
responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

3) Absolute Best: A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As the Ontario Provincial Policeman walked to her car window, flipping
open his ticket
book, she said, 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the OPP Ball.' He replied ' OPP don't have balls.' There was a
moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He
then closed
his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to
start her car.}

^{Mrs. Jones was reading a
letter at breakfast. Suddenly, she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't
accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What
does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her
own convenience. You did write, didn't you"?

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell convenience, so I
made it risk}

^{**************

A Priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to
St. John's.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Newfie asked for a Lambs rum and Pepsi, which was brought and placed before
him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let
liquor touch my lips."

The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I
didn't know we had a choice"}

^{There was a young driver who would
always accelerate hardbefore coming to any intersection. He would barrel right
through it and slow down again on the other side. One day he took a passenger
who was understandably unnerved by his driving style.

"Why on earth do you step on the gas before every intersection?" the anxious
passenger asked.

"Well," the young man replied, "I read that you are ten times as likely to have
an accident at an intersection as anywhere else, so I try to spend as little
time in them as possible."}

^{A little boy came home from playing outside one day. He was
huffing and puffing, like he was winded. All of sudden, the boy's father heard a
kitten squalling like it was extremely uncomfortable. He turned around and
looked. Sure enough, there's his son -- holding a kitten - obviously no more
than 6 weeks old! "What have you got there, son?"}^{"It's especially for you, Dad," the
boy replied.

The father asked, "What do you
mean?"

"Remember the other night, you told
Mom you wanted 'a little pussy? Well, I heard you, and I went out and got you
one!"}

^{There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:} ^{1.       He called everyone
brother

2.       He liked Gospel

3.       He didn't get a fair
trial}

^{But then there were 3 equally good arguments that} ^{Jesus was Jewish:

1.       He went into His Father's
business

2.       He lived at home until he
was 33

3.       He was sure his Mother was
a virgin and his

         Mother was sure He was
God}

^{But then there were 3 equally good arguments} ^{that Jesus was Italian:

1.       He talked with His hands

2.       He had wine with His
meals

3.       He used olive oil}

^{But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus}^{was a Californian:

1.       He never cut His hair

2.       He walked around barefoot
all the time

3.       He started a new
religion}

^{But then there were 3 equally good arguments that} ^{Jesus was an American Indian:

1.       He was at peace with
nature

2.       He ate a lot of fish

3.       He talked about the Great
Spirit}

^{But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus}^{was Irish:

1.       He never got married.

2.       He was always telling
stories.

3.       He loved green
pastures.}

^{But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that}^{Jesus was a woman:

1.       He fed a crowd at a
moment's notice when there

         was virtually no food

2.       He kept trying to get a
message across to a bunch of

         men who just didn't get
it

3.       And even when He was dead,
He had to get up

         because there was still
work to do}

^{One lady turns and asks, "Do you still
get horny?"

The other replies,"Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"}

^{The second old lady replies, "I suck a
lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives}

^{An old lady was standing at the railing
of the cruise ship holding her  hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in
the wind. A gentleman  approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not}^{intend to be forward, but did
you know that your dress is blowing up in this high  wind?"}

^{"But,madam, you must know that your
privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.}

^{The woman looked down, then back up at
the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just
bought this hat yesterday!"}

^{Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows,
were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know,
Mabel, I've been reading this  'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about
is 'mutual orgasm.' Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all
they talk  about.Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever
have  mutual orgasm?"}

^{Mabel thought for a long while.
Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."}

^{Three old ladies were sitting side by
side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at
the green grocers and  demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of
a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that
onions  used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of
two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked,
"I can't hear a word you're saying, but I  remember the guy you're talking
about.}

^{Bill, Jim and Scott were staying in a
75-story hotel. One

afternoon they were told that the elevators were broken and

they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to

their room on the top floor.

Bill said, "The climb will go faster if we distract

ourselves. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing

songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories

for the rest of the way."

Bill started telling jokes and didn't stop until the 26th

floor. Then Jim began to sing and kept going until the 51st

floor. Then Jim stopped singing and told Scott to start

telling sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," Scott said. "Once upon

a time there was a man who left his hotel room key in the

car..."}

^{Why don't blind people skydive?}^{Because it scares the crap out of
their dogs.}

^{What did the apple say to the orange?} ^{Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.}

^{Ron just got a new sports car and was out for} ^{a drive when he cut off a truck
driver. The

trucker motioned for Ron to pull
over. When he

did, the driver got out of his
truck and pulled

a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a

circle on the road and told Ron to
stand in the

circle and not move. He then went
to Ron's new

car and cut up the leather
seats.When the truck

driver turned around Ron had a
slight grin on his face.

"Oh, you think that's funny?" the
trucker asked,

"Watch this." He got a baseball bat
out of his truck

and broke every window in the car.
When he turned

and looked Ron had a smile on his
face. This

drove the driver into a rage.He got
his knife back

out and sliced all the tires. Now
Ron was laughing.

The truck driver really started to
lose it. He

went back to his truck and got a
can of gas, poured

it on the sports car and set it on
fire. He turned

around and Ron was laughing so hard
he almost fell down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver
asked him.

Ron replied, "When you weren't
looking,

I stepped outside the circle 4
times."

______________}

^{A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the} ^{passengers were holding on tight as
it rocked and

reeled through the night. A little
old lady turned

to a minister who was sitting
behind her and said,

"You're a man of God. Can't you do
something about this?"

He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in
sales, not management.

________________}

^{A newspaper editor offered a reward for people} ^{who phoned in with news stories.The
editor received

a call from someone saying that a
truck had lost its

brakes on a hill and, after picking
up great speed,

had crashed into and demolished a
house.

"I'm not interested," he said.
"That sort of thing

happens all the time. It's not
news."

"I know what you mean, and I
thought you might feel

that way, but you'll probably be
more interested,"

said the caller, "when I tell you
that it was your house."}

^{How To Drive Restaurant
Workers Insane

====================================================

9. When the waitress finishes taking your order, stop her before she

leaves your table and ask if you're supposed to "drive around."

8. Ask the manager to play "Achy Breaky Heart." Complain loudly

in a French accent when they play it. Repeat.

7. Order the cherries jubilee. When it's brought, flaming, to your

table, scream and try to put it out by throwing dinner rolls

at it.

6. At a buffet, take one piece of potato, one grape, etc. at a

time and give it a loud scolding before eating it.

5. Each time the server leaves the table, everybody change

positions.

4. Throw your fork at the guy at the next table. Call the waiter

to say that you have dropped your fork. Repeat.

3. When the waitress brings the sugar packets for your tea, demand

she bring out the whole box so you can choose your own.

2. Demand to know why they can call your steak rare if just

*anybody* can order one.

... and the #1 Way to Drive Restaurant Workers Insane ...

1. Ask the waitress for a bottom for your bottomless cup of coffee.}

^{Late in the day a wild man burst into the
psychiatrist's}^{office. "Ya gotta help me!" he screamed, "I can't stop

thinking I'm a deck of cards!"} ^{Flushing with
anger, the}^{doctor snapped, "Wait outside! I'll deal with you later!"

___________}

^{Two gay guys are walking through a zoo... They
come across}^{the
gorillas and notice that the male gorilla has a

massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.

One
of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he

reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him,

drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours,

non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by....

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.

An
ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the

hospital. A few days later, his friend visits him in the

hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

"AM
I HURT?" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called

....he hasn't written..."

______________}

^{My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I
think it has}^{something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she

thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She
nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating

the
tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

____________}

^{Ada was slowly
recovering from a heart attack. "Doctor,"}^{she
pleaded with her cardiologist, "you must keep me alive

for
the next two years. I want to attend my first grandchild's

bar
mitzvah." "We'll try," he replied compassionately. In due

course} ^{Ada gratefully
attended the festive rite of passage.}^{Some time later she again spoke to her doctor. "My granddaughter

is
to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to

attend her wedding." "We'll do our best," he replied.}^{Ada
happily attended her granddaughter's wedding.}^{Ten
years passed.} ^{Ada visited her
cardiologist regularly}^{and
followed his instructions religiously. One morning she

called him. "Doctor," she began, "I'm feeling fine, but I have

another request to ask of you Remember how you saw me through

to
my grandson's bar mitzvah?"

"Yes."

"And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter's wedding?"

"Yes."

"Well, as you know I've just celebrated my 80th birthday.

And
I just bought myself a new mattress."

"Yes?"

"It
has a 20-year guarantee..."

___________}

^{A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a
beer just as former}^{President Clinton appeared on the television.

After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled:

"Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A
customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to

him, and decked him.

A
few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary

Clinton appeared on the television.

"She's a horse's ass too!" the man said.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood

up,
walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must

be} ^{Clinton
country!"}^{"Nope," the bartender replied, "Horse country!"

_____________}

^{A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey
sours, drinks}^{them down BAM!
BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more.}^{The bartender's
having a slow night and appreciates the business,}^{but is also
concerned.}^{"Hey buddy, slow
down. What seems to be the problem?""}^{The guy answers,
"I went on a week-long business trip, and}^{had to leave my
wife alone. I've had my suspicions about our}^{next-door
neighbor, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the}^{bedspring just
above a bowl of cream.}^{The bartender
nods sympathetically and pours the guy another.}^{"So you came home
and found cream on the weight?"}^{The guy downs his
fourth whiskey sour and says,}^{"It's worse than
that.}^{The cream had
been churned into butter."}^___________

A man owned a small farm in Ireland . The Irish Internal Revenue Determined he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent an Investigator out to interview him."I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them!" demanded The investigator. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me For three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. "The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week Plus free room and board. "Then there's the halfwit. He works about 18 hours every day and does About 90% o f all the work around here. He makes about $10 a week. He pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey Every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to...the halfwit!" said the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer.

A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He got a bit
carried away and talked for over two hours.

Finally, he realized what he was doing. "I'm sorry I talked
so long," he said. "I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room said, "There's a calendar
right behind you."

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace. 'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. 'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get
married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?"
HUSBAND: ?
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she wear my shoes?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's size 6."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Damn."

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The
comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you
just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because
that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means
I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you
are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs
and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife
gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal
friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?
You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

A Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was
satisfactory except that some of his co- mworkers took
advantage of his good nature, and would steal his parking
spot.

This continued until he put up the following effective sign:

"This parking space belongs to the Wizard Violators will be
Toad"

There is a new virus going around called WORK. If you
receive any sort of WORK, whether via e-mail, Internet, or
simply handed to you by a colleague, do not open it. Those
who have opened WORK have found that their social life is
deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter WORK via e-mail or are faced with any
WORK at all, purge the virus by sending an e-mail to your
boss with the words 'This is too much for me, I'm going out
for a soda. This better not be here when I get back.'

Your brain should automatically delete the WORK. If you
receive WORK in paper document form, simply lift the
document and drag the WORK to your trash can.

Send this message to all your friends in your address book.
If you do not have anyone in your address book, then the
WORK virus has already corrupted your life!

Top Signs That You're Too Fat
===========================================

9. When people first meet you they say, "Lemme guess - opera singer?".

8. You live on 23rd, 24th, and 25th streets.

7. Barack Obama has requested $3 billion to bail you out of your bed.

6. When doctor says you're pregnant with octuplets, you have to
remind him you're a man.

5. Often get free waffles at Denny's by claiming to be Rush Limbaugh.

4. When you get on a scale, it says, "One at a time!".

3. While you're reading this, you're eating a quart of tartar sauce.

2. You're too fat to read Artie Lange's "Too Fat to Fish".

... and the #1 Sign That You're Too Fat ...

1. Get in bed at 11pm, but your ass doesn't get there 'til midnight.

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede that came in a little white box, which served as the bug's house.

He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So, he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time, putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me?"

And a little voice came out of the box and said, "I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"

I wanted to take my kids to the movies, but did not want to wait in line to buy the tickets, so I called ahead to the theater to buy them over the phone.

They said, "Okay, put your kids on a plane to somewhere and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way anyway."

Franklin had lived in his loft for six months and by now, it was filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day and night, stopping only occasionally for something to eat. He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he thought about least of all was his rent.

As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the three months rent Franklin owed on the loft.

"Give me a couple of weeks," Franklin pleaded. "I know I'm on the verge of making some sales."

"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story last month. You won't get another day's credit from me."

"Look," Franklin said, "think of it as an investment. Someday this loft will be famous and you'll be able to charge a fortune for it. In a few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and whisper, Franklin used to paint here.'"

"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able to say it tomorrow morning!"

A little boy came home eating a big candy bar. Seeing the candy bar, his mother remembered he had already spent all his allowance money. Surprised, she asked him where he got it.

Parents can be very upset when their children don't get into the college of their choice. As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down.

Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of Ds, I explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as the admitted class. "Why doesn't she try anther school for a year and then transfer?" I suggested.

Three golfers, Jesus, Moses and an old man, get to the 18th tee. It’s all tied. All three have the same score.

Jesus’ second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock. He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole.

Moses` second shot also goes into the water and sinks. He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.

The old man also hits his second shot into the water, but it lands on a water lilly. A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball. Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him, with the ball, right over the 18th hole where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “You know, I really hate playing with your Dad.”

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from nine holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand and a golf club in the other. And behind me was a clear cut swath leading out of the woods.

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."

The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago.

The professor was explaining an accounting method called First In, Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970s, when the oil shortage occurred.

They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the
1930s at 20¢ a barrel. They, of course, sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.

One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me, sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me."

To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class, son. This is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall."

- "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him everyday."

- "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints.

He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100"?

I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it"?

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

At the end of the tour, the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry," says the guide. "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."

I was the nurse caring for a couple's newborn first child, a son, after his cesarean birth. Since the mother was asleep under general anesthesia, we took our tiny charge directly to the newborn nursery to introduce him to his daddy.

While cuddling his son for the first time, he noticed the baby's ears conspicuously standing out from his head. He expressed his concern that some kids might call his son names like "Dumbo." The pediatrician reassured the new dad that his son was healthy and the ears could be easily corrected during childhood.

The father still worried about his wife's reaction to those large protruding ears. "She doesn't take things as easily as I do," he worried.

By this time, the new mother was ready to meet her precious son. I placed the tiny bundle in his mother's arms and eased the blanket back so that she could gaze upon her child for the first time.

She took one look at her baby's face and looked to her husband and gasped, "Oh, Honey! Look! He has your ears!"

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered, "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

A Good One!

A blind man walks into a store with his Seeing Eye dog.

All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

The Deposit

One afternoon a young bank teller met her aunt downtown for lunch.

During the meal, the older woman asked her niece to deposit her paycheck at the bank where the girl worked. She told her aunt she would be happy to, however on her way back to work, the girl’s purse was snatched.

“Help, help,” she screamed at a passing cop. “That man has taken my aunt’s pay-he’s taken my aunt’s pay!”

“OK, lady,” said the cop. “Cut out the pig latin and tell me exactly what happened.”

Old Grey Mare Hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

A Well Planned Life

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school together many years ago.One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school. Have you had a nice life?”

“I have lived a well-planned life,” her old friend responded. “My first marriage was to a millionaire. My second marriage was to an actor. My third husband was a preacher, and now I’m married to an undertaker.”

Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?”

“One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!”

Now it's my Turn!

Arthur just received his brand new drivers license. The family went out to the driveway, then climbed into the car, where Arthur was going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," dad replied, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

Two little boys, ages eight and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town has been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent the eight-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son"?

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed and his mouth hanging open. So, the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God"?

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God"?

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in big trouble this time. "God is missing and they think we did it!"

So Emotional

When Andrea was planning her upcoming wedding, she asked to wear her mother's wedding dress. She went to try it on and the gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. As her mother's eyes welled up with tears, Andrea put an arm around her. "You're not losing a daughter", she reminded her mother in time-honored fashion, "you're gaining a son."

"Oh forget about that!" said her mother with a sob, "I used to fit into that dress!"

Silly Grandpa!

A police car pulled up in front of grandma's house, and grandpa got out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh papa," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, he whispered, "I wasn't lost mama... I was just too tired to walk home."

Ugh!

One hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather and watching a speed boat pulling a water skier back and forth across the lake.

Tim and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when the skier tried to wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and went down hard.

The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier to surface. But the skier's life jacket came up without him. Feeling responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dove in and swam out to try and save him.

After several fruitless dives they finally found the body lying on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore. They started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth.

Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled, "Why are you stopping?! We have to save this guy!"

Stop or Slow Down?

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

His Name is Rolf!

Jamie asked his dad to explain the difference between irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. When the phone was answered, he asked, "Can I speak to Rolf, please?"

"No! There's no one named Rolf here," replies the person who answered the phone.

He picked up the phone again, dialed the same number, then asked for Rolf a second time. "No, there's no one here called Rolf. Go away. If you call again I'm calling the cops," the person said.

"Then what's frustration?" asked Jamie. The father picked up the phone and dialed the same number a third time.